Recently in Emotional Category

I have been playing World of Warcraft for nearly 2 years. It has been an interesting run, filled with interesting people, times, and occasions. I have met some very bad, and some very good people. I have had one character married in game, I have had characters 'die' in RP standing, and I have grown frustrated at the PvP server I began playing at the launch of the game. I would not ask for those hours, and there were many, that I put into the game.

Alas, though, that time is about to come to a close, or at least to a stop for a time. My account expires on the 28th of July. I have no plans right now of renewing that time, and would in fact refuse to accept if someone was to offer. Recent events in the game, specifically on the Argent Dawn server which I have been playing on for over a year, have led me to need some time off. My experiences in game have run nearly the entire gamut, the full run of the emotional scale.

I still love the game. I still love the lore. I still plan to go to the WoW site often. I still love Azeroth, Kalimdor, and even the much-conflicted Outland/Draenor, which has brought a lore fiend like myself into great amounts of anger filled rants. I like the coming changes, for the most part, and will still be discussing those changes on my podcast as soon as I get back to recording them. I will likely be back when the Crusade hits. I hope to see you all then.

I know, I know, I am supposed to be working on the draft posts, so I can get geekblog up to a more current state. There are dozens of posts I could be working on, but I choose this one to write, a new post. That is because I learned long ago that there are two ways to write on an emotional topic. The first is to write it, and then wait to publish in case you decide it is better left unsaid. The second is to let the emotion release to the world, to let the post go live without wait, without censorship. Right now I am not sure which I will do on this post. I am more than a little tempted to post it, anger and emotion shown raw.

I am feeling more than a little betrayed right now, and by someone I would not have thought possible of doing it. There is someone that I grew over many months to care a great deal about. I was under the impression she cared a fair bit about me as well. I am told now I was wrong. We were just friends then, only close. Now I find out that the one person I was afraid could take her affections, has. She is now living with him, and apparently her boyfriend, by the sounds of it, is in the past. Right now I am feeling very hurt, very betrayed. I shared my heart, and once again it was stomped on and torn apart. It is said there are some whose hearts are infinite pools, unending sources of love. I am beginning to feel my pool is running low on love I can give that is disposed of like sewer water.

What pisses me off even more is lines like 'I'm sorry if you were more attached' when she knew damned fucking well that I was in love with her. I gave her room, since she was going back home where her Boyfriend was, and apparently it was not needed. Well, I guess I know pretty fucking clearly the activities and actions that took place while I was 'giving room'. In the end several things have become clear to me. First, I was nothing more than a fucking toy for a few months while she was at school. Second, I was nothing but 'a friend' though I cannot think of too many 'friends' that are as close as she and I were. Third, I need to be more careful of who I trust with my heart. I have clearly not learned my lessons that I thought I had in the 5 years of forced solitude. Fuck this bullshit, man, fuck this.

I was just cleaning out unread messages in Outlook Express when I found one from a comment left by a reader today. The post, of December 2001, tells of some very sad songs, and how sometime I cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheek. the reader writes that he has lost his wife, his parents, and many friends and family. He tells of how he feels hatred towards many things now, and his song bring him to tears so he can let it out. I know how he feels, but I forgot that there are others who feel the need to hold back the tears for while, and then force them out in one long gush. I have lost, I long for love, and I force those tears, the ones that I push down so long, out so that I can show myself I still feel. I don't think I am alone in this.

I was sitting at work, a slow Sunday as usual, and I overheard a group of reps on another account talking about the loss of Columbia. One person had the gaul to say that we should not be in space. He agreed that there are races that are in space, but for some reason could not see the utter lack of logical thought when it came to this. I understand how one can feel this way in the wake of the third NASA connected tragedy, but we as human beings have the urge to get out there and explore. It is in our nature. We have expended and explored our world to the greatest extent, and the only place left is the stars. This world is limited in it's resources, and unless we begin to either look to colonization of space or forced birth control, we will soon be our of room.

This also got me thinking of how we can memorialize those 7 astronauts. challenger has a wall. September 11th will have a truly New York monument. The US, as was just quoted on News-Night with Aaron Brown 'has become far too good at doing memorials'. Normally I would make a wisecrack about the fact that sometimes they go a little far and it seems that they hold memorials for the smallest thing, but these last two, 09.11 and now Columbia, they deserve fitting memorials. I think that it is all well and good to have a locally accessible memorial, but I think that the Columbia crew should be memorialized in the place they aimed and reached for, space. I know that this would be of great difficulty, and would hard to take a look, at least for awhile. Only a little while.

Discuss this in the boards. This blog is silent for today. See you tomorrow. [Update: Thank you to Andrew for the image of the mission patch. Image updated]

I made a mistake. I heard only snippets of coverage on CNN, coverage still ongoing, and had heard Miles O'Brien talking about the irony, and mistook the mention of the Challenger disaster and the correlation between that and Columbia, but a commenter on the previous post's comment corrected me that the backup was actually supposed to be on the next Columbia mission in November. Still hard, especially when you hear Commander Rick Husband pay tribute to fallen astronauts from space, just four days before he died. "They made the ultimate sacrifice, giving their lives and service to the country and for all mankind," the Texas native said Jan. 28, on the 17th anniversary of the Challenger explosion.

Now I am watching Larry King Live, I see that Laurel Clark, who died on Columbia, had a brother who died in the WTC tragedy in 2001. That family must be going through a lot of pain and heartache right now. The debris is spread far and wide, and while CNN has stopped the sick replays of the shuttle breaking up and going down in a seemingly slow and fatal decent. CNN has pointed out that there was something that flew off the shuttle on launch, and NASA has admitted that it is a chance that this played a part, but has tried not to speculate on what the cause was. We know this. The shuttle entered the atmosphere, and then after a few problems were discussed over the air in Houston, the radio went dead, Houston asking for a response.

Then the radio goes silent as it is clear that Mission Control knew what had happened and had to begin the process of recovery. More importantly, and less facts based, we know that 7 astronauts died. I just heard the Houston launch of the shuttle, and now eerily recall the TechTv commercial that shows a shuttle launch and the viewer playing with the controls and stuff. The verbal of that commercial go something like this: "We have main booster ignition and liftoff of Endeavour, extending the reach of the Space Station and extending partnerships on Earth". I at first thought that the shuttle in that commercial was Columbia, but am relieved to know it was not. I still hope TTV pulls the commercial, at least for a little while. They owe at least that to the families of the crew.

The Columbia crew was:
Commander Rick Husband
Pilot William McCool
Payload commander Michael Anderson
Mission specialist Kalpana Chawla
Mission specialist David Brown
Mission specialist Laurel Clark
Israeli payload specialist Ilan Ramon

A tribute will be put up shortly for this. MSNBC and TechTV coverage. I want to clear up that though this blogger claims the CBC brought the hate of the US into things, and I am not a real lover of many actions it's leaders take, but I am in heartfelt sympathy and heartache with all of the US and Israel as they mourn the loss of those who, as President Reagan put it of the Challenger crew, We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for their journey and waved good-bye and "slipped the surly bonds of earth" to "touch the face of God."(quote courtesy Blog of the Moderate Left).

I was alerted to the fact that around 9AM the Space Shuttle Columbia broke up in the atmosphere and all 7 crew are lost. Cody is sitting beside me as I watch the CNN coverage, and I forgot that he was not around in 1986 when the last shuttle, Challenger, blew up on take off. He also did not know that the Challenger had the first teacher in space, and this shuttle had the second try at the same program. As I watch this on CNN I feel shaken and sad for the lost people, but more for the loss the space program will feel. There are reports of debris as far as Tennessee and Louisiana, though most of it is in Texas, and I have begun to wish they would just stop playing the footage of the shuttle entering the atmosphere and breaking up from different angles.

Christa McAuliffe was the first teacher planned to visit space. this trip was the second chance and this one again has ended in disaster. Bus is now speaking to his nation and he is trying to eulogize a crew he knew little, on a subject he does not know. this is the second major tragedy, though by far not the worst one, but this one is going to have to have an impact. A shuttle, a million dollar craft that is more than 2 decades old, has crashed in Texas. Let us hope this does not kill the space program, but perhaps this will teach NASA that they need to really consider the age of their fleet and make new ones. We lost 7 brave people who saw space but could not live to tell about it. My heart goes out to the families of those astronauts, and my tears go with them forever.

I was reading the paper today, the special edition of the Winnipeg Sun more specifically, and I noticed something. In life, so much can be said with nothing, blankness and few words. Businesses learnt right after September 11th realized, or the most successful did, that few or no words were more powerful then many. Shortly after this realization, one comic two down from the one that made me have the other realization, shot it to hell. The first comic was the Buckets series, which had only three lines:

We Mourn
We Resolve
We Remember

Sadly, that comic is apparently print only, not web accessible. The second, not up on the web yet, is the One Big Happy strip, which had the little girl who is at the center of it asking "Joe, why is the sky so bright tonight" of her comical nemesis. We read in the sky the names of first 6 names of those lost in those 102 minutes. In the second panel we see 22 other names, and in the third we see further zooming out from the rooftop where the two are sitting and we see even more, 31 new ones this time, and in the final pane we see another 20 as the artist zooms back in and the little boy simple says 'Angels'. Angels indeed. It is at that I am reminded of the song that Alabama's Randy Owen sang at Dale Earnhardt's memorial, 'Angel's among us'. 79 Angels and counting.

As well, Mutts has another very simple, easily understood but still a little comical strip where the dog who is the lead is being walked and looks back at his owner with the backdrop of the New York City skyline and says, simple, 'Heal'. If it were only that simple. I know the meaning could be double, but in that the dog says it to the human, the meaning I take is not the meaning if the person were saying that to the dog. It will be a long time before everyone is rightly healed, if ever, but every little day, every little piece that can make us laugh and feel good is very helpful. Thank you to the artists I mention, and especially Illiad who's comic of 09.11.01 is only surpassed by this years, though the words and theme remained the same.

My last post for the day begins much like those that began it. With sadness. I watched CNN before I left, and when I got back. The tributes are touching, and it was nice to see the march(mixed album here) from The Forks to the Legislature, and was happy to see the applause the emergency workers got. I got a flag, only Canadian though and an American would have been nice as well, and I waved it proudly. I saw fire trucks, ambulances and other emergency vehicles from all across the province. I saw Armored Personnel Carriers fresh back form Afghanistan and I saw what looked like ordinary people in uniforms of extraordinary causes. I still get a chill at the thought of that day. The words I am Canadian mean more to me then ever before.

Ok, so I am blogging September 11th, but they will all be in the draft status, non posted, until Midnight. Tech TV is showing some very touching commercials, nothing paid, all of it revenue free. I recall last year, they changed from a tech station to a news station, and I think that is when they realized TechLive wasn't going to work. It is nice to see what they do today, and I have been informed by a reliable source that Megan Morrone did a spot to commemorate September 11th where she apparently announced she is pregnant, due March 31st. I congratulate her and her husband, and wish her the best with that. Perhaps it is fitting to have such a beloved person on TSS commemorate the anniversary of such loss of life with an announcement of burgeoning life.

Well, I see no way I can put this off, and when I am done you will understand why this is likely to be my last post for today, if not until I get the net back at my new place. I got a call waking me up at 9:15 this morning from my sister telling me that it was not expected that my grandfather would last an hour, after complications from his fall of earlier in the week.

Around 20 minutes later I got another call, even more sobering, that he had passed on, and that Tracy would be here in a few minutes to pick me up to go to the hospital. We got there, and saw him, and I will without shame admit that I wept. If I live to be 150 I will never see a dead person in the hospital. It will haunt me for years.

I expect the funeral will have two very distinct groups, my family, my uncle's kids, and my other uncle and his family, and my uncle, my aunt and their 'side' of the family. They all got over this bull when my grandmother passed away, but now it has all surfaced during this time, and obviously will not be put aside this time.

So, now you all know. My grandfather, who I originally reported as being ill June 14, 2002, and reported as better a few days later, has passed on. The funeral date and time is unknown, as many family members need to fly in and stuff, but I expect I will not be up to blogging much over the next few hours or days. I still have an urge to cry inside, and a great sadness in my heart. He was doing so much better, but he wanted to go home, and never could. Perhaps he will be happy to be with my grandmother, his life mate. Grandpa, we all love you, and will all miss you in our hearts.

To say I am pissed off right now is an understatement. In late April I talked to Al about doing a web site for the school. I gave them a deal to get the contract, because they are a school and because they are old friends. I expected that at the outside this would be a month long job, paying $2,000. This was supposed to be a fun thing, making a little money, and getting a reputation.

Now, on the 4th of July, the American Independence Day, I find I have been screwed over. See, back when the expected end of contract came around, and it looked obvious that nothing would be done on time, I asked about the closing of the school for the summer. I was told it would happen on the 17th of July, until about the middle of August. I see things changed significantly.

I had Tracy call, as several of calls yesterday went unanswered which was odd for a school, and she was able to get a hold of someone. this person gave her some disturbing info, which has me really mad. First off, the school is now closed until the 11th of August. Secondly, there is no one there for that entire time. This makes it clear that I will not be getting paid the remainder of the site contract until mid August, which is a month and a half away.

When I talked to Al on Friday he told me that he would try to have the stuff I need done by Tuesday when he got into the office. Apparently this was both inaccurate and deceitful. He said something about July, but as I was on my cell it was hard to understand. It is clear now that what he was saying they were closed for all of July, and while it was nice for him to tell me this, he could have told me in time to do something to get this fucking site done in time.

Yeah, I am pissed beyond belief. I needed this money. I needed this site to be done on time. This site has gone, now, a month beyond the estimates, and will cost me at least $500 more then it should have in the first place. That means that my piece of the proverbial pie will be cut down to less then $500. That sucks, especially for a site that has take so long, took so much work, and was such a fucking struggle to get done. As far as I am concerned, this contract is done, and has been for nearly a month. What a fucking day!

I went to see Sum of All Fears, The (2002) tonight, who's tagline is "27,000 Nuclear Weapons. One Is Missing" and while it is not technically accurate, as the movie points out the bomb is Israeli and the 27,000 is the number of Russian nukes, obviously showing a problem in the logic, but honestly, after the first 20 minutes I forgot all about pointing out the plot line problems.

This is supposed to be the fourth Jack Ryan novel written by Tom Clancy that has been made into a movie and it throws off all the timelines we know. This is a modern 2000+ based movie, but seeing as Jack Ryan, as played by Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford, is a lot higher in the ranks of the CIA in the 80's. I could go on for hours about all the problems, but instead I want to ignore the logic, forego the history of the character of Jack Ryan, and say this movie rocked.

It had all the twists no one could expect, and the entire audience laughed right when the producers wanted them to. Overall, the movie was one of the best I have seen, and while some may not care for Ben Affleck's acting ability, he played Jack Ryan perfectly as the analyst thrown into the fray of normal CIA operations. the movie was a little dry at times, but in the end those dry times were literally forgotten completely as we saw the movie make up for it completely.

I am tempted to say more, but everything I can come up with would spoil everything. Just remember, things don't happen as they do in most movies of this type. The ending is bitter sweet, the middle is tense and frustrating, and the beginning sets up the rest perfectly. If you can spare the money, go see this film. It is more then worth it, and please, don't try to include this movie in the other three movies(Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger), as that will ruin the whole thing. Consider this... a new, more modern set of Jack Ryan tales.

Oh, and if you are interested in privacy, keeping some things to yourself and so on, this movie will make all your conspiracy theories seem to have a lot of basis in fact.

Today, 260 days after they begun, the workers, those brave and relentless people who worked at Ground Zero, the place where the World Trade Center's twin towers once stood for so long, ageless almost. They are done their jobs today, if it can be said that the job of finding answers is ever done. The rubble is gone. It took merely 260 days to do a job that on 09.11 felt like it would take years.

The ashes, the remains of that day are gone, but the reminders, the memories, and the pain of 09.11, not to mention the aftermath of such a horrid event, will never in all our lives be gone from our memories. How can you possible forget the site of those towers on fire, those towers falling. The debris, the mere idea that in that could be the remains of another's loved one. Horrifying. 343 fire fighters gone in mere minutes. More then 3000 lives lost overall. A world changed, forever.

My heart goes out to those who were lost, and those who lost someone on that day, and even more so to those who have never had evidence or seen a body of their lost loved one. Some lost one, while many lost more. No one can forget. that is, perhaps, best, because maybe if we never forget, never give up our Freedom, be it against government or terrorist, we will be able to make sure this event, this tragedy, never happens again.

There are songs, every so often, that just make a tear roll down your cheek, or send a shiver down you spine. Garth Brooks' The Change is one such song. The video for that does the same, times 10. Everytime I hear 'One More Day' by Diamond Rio the same happens, because I associate it with the loss of Dale Earnhardt in February. That song was played en masse when he was lost, along with an edited version that had clips from his '97 Daytona 500 win and also from the end of the '01 Daytona 500, in which is was lost.

My sister arranged for a friend of hers to send me a copy of one that makes more then one tear roll down my face. Where were you, by Alan Jackson, is a song that to me sums up the defining event of 2001. The official title is 'Where were you(When the World Stopped Turning)'. Enough said. I just saw the video for it on CMT, after the Showcase chronicling Alan's life. When I heard the song I immediately thought of the video. There was possibly two ways he could do it. The first was to show clips of the event itself, which might bring back memories for those who have not yet dealt with their emotions. The second would be to show absolutely no images from the event. There could be no median, no in between. Either show a lot of it, to desensitize people to what happened and force people to deal, or don't show anything at all.

There are times, in every ones life when they are forced to question the trustworthiness of people. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom why people who are told that the truth is all that is required, persist to lie. When you sit there, and tell someone that all they have to do is be honest, and tell you the way things are, they still lie. The person I refer to, let's call her Jane, is involved with someone clearly beyond her age. Hell, many years beyond my own. She is not even an Adult, and he is almost 40. That far out of her age range. She has given him her virginity, and claims to love him.

I say the same thing about her as I do about many other young females I know. How, in the blue hell, can you know what love is when you cannot even define it? I have not asked, and yet I know she cannot. She is in Lust with this guy. I will not deny that I thought I cared for her, certainly as friends, and possibly as more, but someone who acts so irresponsible, like stripping in front of an uncontrolled netcam, or even stripping for anyone, online or off(though her face when she realized that I was watching this 'show' was priceless), like sleeping with someone who should be in jail, not in bed with her, like flirting with every guy she knows, even the married ones, my god, I just cannot see why I even tried.

These events are the reason why I do not socialize. The people my own age, they act like children, are so immature that they find it amusing to screw without care or concern for themselves or their future. They are the greatest risk to the future of the human race. Why did I associate with someone who is quite obviously younger then myself? Well, first she acted and seemed very mature, and second she knew how to code in perl. Yes, I know, all the wrong reasons, but still, someone who could solve some of my problems at the time was exactly what I needed, and I thought a so called friendship grew from that. Sadly, I cannot be friends with someone who cannot have the basic vestiges of trust to tell me the way things are, or I cannot trust the person at all. That is why, sadly, I have lost all faith and trust in the human race.

I am torn at this moment. I want to be entertained to prevent from being hit too hard emotionally at the second war in my days on this earth. First the Gulf War, which the US could be said to have gotten involved in because of ethical reasons, and now this that the US had no choice but to get involved in or there would be seen as weak and pathetic, even by their own citizens. I watched the Nascar race and could see Air Force planes. a lot of them, patrolling above the race track. A necessary precaution. 9:00 PM in Kabul, 11:00 here, this war has begun, and it will not end easily. Sadly I also have an odd interest in watching the war coverage because I want to make sure that it all goes well, though nothign I can do will change this or it's outcome. I cannot help but woinder how long it will be before ground troops beyond special forces will be brought into Afghanistan.